Many of us work around with issues of abandonment without even realizing it. We also do not realize how deeply it affects us in all levels of our lives. It took me some years of therapy to understand where all these issues were coming from. Spiritually, it took me one meditation to realize what was the lesson behind it. This has been a lesson that for me that has taken me a all of me life in practice, and I will probably have to keep working on it , as it is one of my life Themes. My soul chose this as one of my lessons, so that I could grow. It has been a very painful lesson.
So what does it mean to have issues of abandonment, and why would I have chosen this life theme and lesson? I was able to come to a conclusion one morning as I was doing meditation. I found myself at a round table. I actually had 4 different spirit guides there, my main guide Sri, Amala, Schmuel, and one other guide. The energy of this room was peaceful, it was a library, I was surrounded by books. I was able to have an “Aha” moment with the help of Sri. He told me, do you see now why you chose? Not to know your biological father? Tears started streaming down my cheeks. All the years of pain and abandonment finally made sense. And the outcome for me was that I chose this because I needed to understand “Self-Love”. I can truly say that I have only started telling myself that I love and accept me unconditionally for the past 3 years.
So what was the background to this? Why did it matter so much to me? My issues of abandonment have hindered and affected all my personal relationships. They have also affected my work relationships to an extent. What my soul chose… to be born to a single mom in a small south American town. She was young and naïve, and did not really understand the consequences of my birth. As a result I also never got to meet my dad. I still don’t know him and I probably never will. The difference is that now I don’t care nor do I pain from not knowing. I was able to heal the pain I felt from my mom withholding this from me. I was able to also heal the pain from feeling abandoned (most days!). Yes, I went many years thinking, was I not good enough for my father? Why was I not a planned pregnancy? Why did my friends have a traditional family? Why could I not belong. I have repeated the patterns of abandonment over the years. The abandoned will abandon others as a protective mechanism. After all, if I abandon you first, I will have taken action before you and I will have more control. Needless to say how much energy is wasted on this sort of protective mechanism which in the end doesn’t allow us to be close to others, because we are constantly in “protective mode”.
I can truly say that for the first time in my life, I no longer feel left behind and abandoned by my father and the world! Because I realized that I chose… my soul chose this to learn and grow. I learned that I was good enough, me as a soul independent of how I came into the world. I learned that it is ok to feel vulnerable and show my needs to others, that disappointment is part of life and that I would rather Love than not try. I learned that we are all here do to exactly this, learn from and with each other. That my mom whom I saw once as a weak person, actually turned out to be a pretty strong and awesome soul herself, because she has been one of the most brave people I have ever known. AHA!! we chose to come together into this world to learn and grow. I want to emphasize how important was the spiritual aspect of this. I could have gone to therapy for more years to understand intellectually how this affected me in my reactions of protection. But what truly brought healing to me was the process of realization of the lesson behind this, for which I have to thank my spirit guides. I hope this personal piece, will reach out to someone out there who also feels left behind by the world, and will help them know that we all deserve to be here, it was meant to be.. because we chose.
Cheers to Love, Light and Self-Love.. Ana Saborido